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The phrase “I hate men” gets thrown around a lot on my side of the internet, and I throw it around a bit too. I don’t necessarily feel bad about it, I find the statement to be valid in the greater context of ~society~, but the truth is that the men I personally know in my life are not the men that I’m talking about. I’ve had pretty decent experiences with the men and boys in my life in general. Barring a player here and a few catcallers there, it’s been relatively benign. Even the men on my so-called hit list are there for reasons that amount to hurt feelings and shitty communication. Nothing criminal, nothing nefarious. But, I’m an exception.
It’s these men we hear about in the news, the horror stories on TikTok, the men who assault your friends, the predatory stares in public, the harsh reality of never leaving your drink alone and never leaving the party or bar without the friends you came with, the need to send your location to your friends before a first date “just in case,” the men who respect another man’s “property” more than the “property’s” no, and the men who think they’re the exception but who tolerate all of the above from their friends. It’s the Dominique Pelicots, the Diddys, the Harvey Weinsteins, the Jeffrey Epsteins, the Andrew Tates, and all the men who turn the other way.
Women are asked why they hate men, why they choose the bear over the man, and why the bar is so low. Have you taken a look outside? Needless to say, there are “good men” out there. Of course there are. I know quite a few of them. But the bottom line is that the patriarchy, a system made by and for men, will always allow for men who hate women, because it raises boys to hate everything that girls like and are. If you raise a boy, who has no inherent beliefs about girls and his superiority or inferiority in regards to them, to believe that he is in fact superior to girls because superheroes are cool and princesses are lame, being “girly” is bad, and “boys rule, girls drool,” then why are you acting surprised when he grows up to believe that girls––and everything they represent and enjoy––are worthless/inferior/sucky?
A further point of contention I have with the backlash to “I hate men” is what happens when a woman says she hates a man? His feelings get hurt. What happens when a man hates a woman? She gets killed. The stakes are entirely different. Even men who claim they like women do terrible things to them because they can or because she rejected him or because he can’t control himself. It’s about power and a lack of respect. There’s no way you can attack someone for saying no to you if you respect them as an autonomous human being. You saw them as a shiny thing that you could have, and when that “thing” refused you, you took it as an insult. Because you felt entitled to it.
There’s no way that a Sean “Diddy” Combs respects women as people. There’s just no way. There’s ZERO way that Dominique Pelicot respects his wife or women in general. There’s no way the men who joined him in his perpetual and insidious abuse of his wife believe that women are people and deserve autonomy of their bodies and choices. THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY. And yet, people still ask: why do you say you hate men? And those who are posed the question must justify the phrase by saying that it’s some men, and it’s a greater system that they hate.
There will always be evil in the world. That’s a part of the contract I guess. But there don’t have to be silent bystanders to it. And not enough men stand up to their peers about the crazy shit they see and hear!! Period!! Women stand up to it some of the time, but the truth is, it will only land when it comes from another man. Marilyn Frye speaks about this in a now viral passage from The Politics of Reality: Essays in Feminist Theory:
“All or almost all of that which pertains to love, most straight men reserve exclusively for other men. The people whom they admire, respect, adore, revere, honor, whom they imitate, idolize, and form profound attachments to, whom they are willing to teach and from whom they are willing to learn, and whose respect, admiration, recognition, honor, reverence and love they desire… those are, overwhelmingly, other men.”
The same way white people have to be the ones to dismantle systemic racism, men have to be the ones to head up the takedown of systemic gender oppression. It’s the only way. We, as Black people or as women, can advocate as much as we want, and we should, but the only people with the access and ability are those already at the table.
People always ask why women hate men, but rarely do they ask why men hate women. The question is always on the reaction and not the action. It’s like asking about the conflict in Israel and Palestine and starting the clock on October 7, 2023. You’re lacking the greater context. You’re missing the whole picture! Back up!
There’s a letterboxd 3½ star review of Love & Other Drugs (2010) from user single white femalien that I think about frequently, and I rewatched the movie this past weekend, so it was fresh in my mind. The first time I read it, I thought it was kinda funny and rang true. It’s severe, but I think it speaks to my point.
For context purposes, Love & Other Drugs is a (very enjoyable) romantic comedy that follows Jamie (Jake Gyllenhaal), a drug rep, who is a certified player that has never had a hard time getting women, and doesn’t see a problem with playing games to get them into bed. He falls for a 26-year-old Parkinson’s patient named Maggie (Anne Hathaway), whom he meets when she is seeing a doctor to get more medication after her apartment is robbed. The only reason he was allowed into her patient room (which he should not be allowed into, as he isn’t a doctor, or a medical professional, or even employed at this office) is because the (sleazy) male doctor let him pretend to be an intern while Jamie continued his pitch for Zoloft. A portion of the review reads:
“anyway this movie isn't that bad i just hate men a lot because they are human monsters. jake is cute. it doesn't really infantilize anne hathaway's character because of her disease. she's surprisingly well-rounded. the scene at the parkinson's convention was sweet. jake is charming even tho he's also kind of a gross man until he meets anne. i like that guy even tho hes a man”
This made me laugh out loud when I first read it. I mean, it’s comedy is derived from the very fact that it’s so extreme. “I like that guy even though he’s a man,” like what? Lol. And, I must mention, in the film, Jamie, through his relationship with Maggie, realizes that he wants to be a better man for her, and throughout the movie he grows more and more tired of the men around him, who speak in very nasty ways about women and merely see them as objects to have sex with. Jamie was once one of those men, but now he is no longer. It’s a classic character arc for the playboy character, and it’s very obvious to viewers as they watch the film that Jamie is outgrowing this feeling about the women he has sex with, because he’s finally met one he respects enough as a whole person.
Anyway, the above quote is the last paragraph of the review, and it seems so extreme devoid of its context. Here’s the rest of the review:
“i get rly fixated on these small inconsequential moments in movies (they're not even moments, it's just like a single throwaway line!!! "so what who cares??" u may ask... ME!) that normalize rape culture/misogyny/sexism/whatever, like my hot bf jake is a pharmaceutical rep who lies about being a medical intern when he meets anne hathaway while she's at a doctor's appointment and jake's in the room with them while she shows her doctor her tiddy because she has a rash but later in the movie her doctor and jake are at a bar and her doctor remarks upon anne's breasts?? he's like YEA SHE HAS GREAT TITS. that's really!!!!!! fucking!!!!! gross!!!!!! it's bad enough in this fictitious scenario that a medical doctor allowed basically just a random man into a medical exam but that later he sexualized his patient is BARF CITY.
like ok there was a doctor at johns hopkins who got caught recording his female patients during exams and then he killed himself to avoid punishment. like, that actually happened in real life, recently!!!!! not in a distant past!!!!, a male gynecologist at one of the top hospitals in the united states used a spycam to record videos and images of women under his care for his own disgusting man purposes. "As many as 8,000 women and girls were included in the case, according to plaintiffs' attorney Jonathan Schochor." that's fucking bananas!!!! 8000 women (and children!!!) were violated and will probably always live in fear of doctors. it will probably prevent them from seeking healthcare they need. that's horrific. not to pull a carrie bradshaw but i can't help but wonder how many other male physicians do that kind of thing? man doctors are still men. even if a doctor isn't recording you, they may sexualize you to your face or behind your back and it's.......... dehumanizing. that fucking sucks.”
When taken in greater context, it makes more sense! It is really dehumanizing and nasty that these men who are supposed to be professionals can do this to women. Even the noncriminal act of sexualizing their patients. It’s breaching trust, let alone professionalism. And, in the movie, that’s part of the point. Jamie is in a haven of toxic masculinity and by the end of the movie he literally quits his job right when he was offered the promotion he was working for the whole time. But those other men he interacted with throughout the movie still kept on being sleazy and nasty. And that happens in real life too.
Even though I love the men in my life, and I try to consume a good amount of positive content, whether its on YouTube or movies or TV shows, which include positive portrayals of masculinity, I’m very aware that there are men who would have no qualms about disrespecting me, or looking down on me, or hurting me simply because I am a woman. Megan Nolan from The New Statesman sums it up pretty well:
“When monstrosities like the Pelicot case are revealed, the general love [for men] I feel seems suddenly, starkly absurd. I feel like I am in Rosemary’s Baby, looking around and realising I have been trusting and confiding in all the wrong people, not knowing who is conspiring and who isn’t. It is the uncanny feeling of men, the individuals, and men, the abstract threat, merging and not being able to tell which is which.”
So yeah, when considering the whole context, I’d argue the phrase is pretty reasonable.
uh, yeah, so much of what you say is true of men's behavior, and yet, the big general statement - I hate men - can't be the answer. It's as if (some) women say, I hate men, but they really don't and men aren't really allowed to say, I hate women, but many of them do?