Do I Really Dislike Her or Is It My Internalized Misogyny?
Why does the internet hate certain (famous) women for no apparent reason?
Have you ever thought of someone and known that you didn’t like them, but couldn’t figure out why? It happens to me every once in a while, and that person is typically a woman, which begs the question that I have found myself grappling with for a while now: do I really dislike her, or is it just my internalized misogyny? Never has my dislike turned into a physical manifestation like commenting negative things under their Instagram photos, or seeking them out to spew hatred––that’s by no means a normal/logical reaction to some dislike you feel over someone you don’t know––but I have thought to myself, when thinking about certain celebrity women, yeah, I don’t really like her. But when I tried to pinpoint why, I couldn’t come up with an answer.
You may have your own examples coming to mind, but I would say the public consciousness (read: my side of the internet) has historically (and presently) loved to pick on a select few: Jennifer Lopez, Anne Hathaway, and Jennifer Lawrence. You may be aware of some of the beef that the internet has with these women, some of which I’m more read-up on than others, but for the sake of efficiency, these women have all been extensively bullied by, and even bullied off, the internet.
And I want to be clear here: lots of (famous) women receive hate online, but I’m focusing on the women that I feel receive a lot of hate simply for committing the sin of being slightly annoying or cringeworthy. I am not talking about famous women who are legitimately morally questionable/unkind/greedy people. These women don’t deserve to be sent hateful messages either (no one does), but they do deserve some of the criticism they receive for their aforementioned questionable behavior.
On Meg Thee Stallion’s latest single “Hiss,” she says “Ask a ho why she don't like me, bet she can't give you a reason,” and this is precisely the type of hate I’m talking about. If you really hate someone, then there must be a reason. And if you can’t find one specifically, I would urge you to ask… is it misogyny?
Let’s observe some case studies. First up, Jennifer Lopez! I must admit, the hate on JLo can be kind of funny sometimes… I’m sorry!! I feel bad for her, truly, but I also can’t help but laugh. This TikTok of JLo’s 73 Questions with Vogue interview is pure comedy. Through its comedic façade though, we can see some of the major criticisms of Jenny from the Block peeking through: (1) Jenny is not familiar with the block, (2) is she the reason Ben Affleck always looks so unhappy, and (3) she has no singing talent. There are many more criticisms, but for the sake of time, let’s just focus on these three.
It seems that the main concerns about JLo revolve around the idea that she is fake. People are quick to point out that her rags to riches, girl from The Bronx makes it big story doesn’t hold up. On top of this, many think her singing capabilities don’t seem to equate the level of success she has achieved as an artist. And again, I’m sorry, but some of these criticisms are not only, in my opinion, valid, but hysterical. I’m not saying Jennifer Lopez should sing like Mariah Carey, but if you’re going to a Jennifer Lopez show, expect some good dancing and a fun performance. We all have our strengths!
Jennifer Lopez’s singing abilities and upbringing may lean toward the more genuine side of criticism for the performer, but one less valid critique that has gotten a lot of publicity is her relationship with Ben Affleck. Since their reconnection and subsequent marriage in 2022, there has been much discussion online about whether Ben Affleck’s consistently stoic appearance is JLo’s fault. And herein lies the misogyny, my friends.
Misogyny is defined as hatred or prejudice against women and though it is typically exhibited by men, it can creep up on those who are targeted by it as well. Internalized misogyny can manifest “through minimizing the value of women, mistrusting women, and showing gender bias in favor of men.” Pick me girls are a good example of what internalized misogyny can look like, because they put other women down, by claiming they’re “not like other girls,” or “one of the boys,” (because the other girls are too into their looks, too prissy, too “fill in the blank”) in order to gain the approval of men.
These definitions bring us to the main question regarding the criticism of JLo and her husband: why must we blame a woman for a man’s appearance or decisions? Is Ben Affleck not an autonomous being? It’s not your partner’s job to supply your happiness––we know this. They can add to it, but you can’t rely on them for that. And even if she was the cause, if she is who he chooses to enter a relationship with, then that’s solely his decision. And if wanted to leave her, he would. Also, let’s just acknowledge that Ben Affleck very publicly hates celebrity. So when we see him looking very bored/tired/depressed (which, admittedly, he often does), that’s probably due to cameras being shoved in his face. The man shouldn’t have to smile for the camera just to protect his wife from people who think she’s holding him captive.
Additionally, internalized misogyny can mix beautifully with our old friend schadenfreude, so there’s a double-whammy level of catharsis occurring when we join in on the hate. By tearing these famous, beautiful, successful women down, we can feel like we are above them, making ourselves feel better and pleasing the people around us by joining in on the judgement. This satisfying result coupled with the anonymity of the internet and the feeling that “they’ll never see it, so what does it matter” make for some very powerful teardowns.
Another victim of one of these teardowns was New Jersey royalty Anne Hathaway. I have always liked Anne Hathaway. I think she’s a talented actress (she’s in some of my favorites), she seems nice enough, and she’s from New Jersey. What's not to like? Apparently––according to the internet––a lot. Hathahate was all the rage in the early 2010s, so much so that studio bigwigs were hesitant to cast her in projects due to how the public reacted to her at the time. But what was the public’s issue? She was too cheery when hosting The Oscars in 2011, not sexy enough to play Catwoman, her body and face were too this and too that, and she was too emotional and cared too much. Anne Hathaway’s happiness and sincerity was off-putting to the internet and they decided to punish her for it. When there is no valid reason to tear a woman down, the question emerges yet again, was it misogyny? Probably.
There are several other examples I could cite, such as how Jennifer Lawrence dropped off the face of the Earth for years because people just couldn’t stand her wit and charm and decided to spew vitriol to make her go away. When falling down a YouTube wormhole I stumbled across some old interviews of her where it was so obvious that she was walking on eggshells, trying her best not to create another soundbite or meme or reason for someone to comment that she was too loud, too cringe, too annoying, too much.
It is so easy to be too much when you’re a woman. You’re trying too hard to be liked, or pretty, or important, or funny. There is no grace for being an annoying woman. It always has to be scrutinized, and amplified, and it eclipses the rest of you. If you’re annoying or eager, that is all you are. It’s so easy for someone to find a reason to tear you down when you’re a woman because it’s the oldest trick in the book. It’s so easy. I have done it before and will likely do it again, but it’s a step in the right direction to be able to recognize when I’m doing it.
When discussing the question of disliking a woman for no good reason with my friend, we segued into a discussion of the Oscar-winning Anatomy of a Fall wherein a woman, Sandra, is on trial for murder when her husband mysteriously takes a lethal fall from his workshop in their house. In deciding that the film was not actually about whether she did it or not, we explored what, then, the film was actually about. Where we landed is that the film is (partially) about how easy we find it to blame women for men’s decisions.
Sandra’s defense is that her husband was deeply unhappy and committed suicide. The prosecution argues that he was unhappy because she stole his work from him, adding to his feeling emasculated and overlooked in their marriage, and that she pushed him out of his workshop’s window. The film highlighted the French judicial system (which made me feel very lucky to have a very different judicial system) which apparently allows for badgering, leading, and so much hyperbole, which made it very easy to paint Sandra’s husband as a victim to an extreme, cold, and manipulative woman (sound familiar?). The film is a case study in how easy it is to manufacture a tragic story about a man that places the blame on a woman. The anatomy of her fall from grace/social acceptance, if you will.
When I started posing this question to myself, I was surprised by how much I criticize other women, famous ones specifically, for no good reason. Or blaming them for something that can in no way be their fault. Considering we live in a patriarchal society it happens to all of us, but letting the feeling extend beyond just a thought in your head is where we need to nip it in the bud.