finding joy in the little things

I’ve decided to look inward.

I was at a loss for what to write this week. Conventional wisdom might say to just write about the Super Bowl and/or Kendrick Lamar’s halftime performance, but my TikTok For You Page has been saturated with analyses of the performance, the protest and the Uncle Sam of it all (as was my Substack feed), so I don’t feel the need to regurgitate the same ideas. I thought about some of the other things that I’ve been up to recently (watching movies, spending time with friends, reading) and I realized that in the face of a deeply stressful future for our country, I’ve been trying to find ways to enjoy what I can control, and I’m liking how it’s been working out so far.

I’m a bit of a control freak, but I think that most people are control freaks. Who doesn’t want to feel like they’ve got it all together? But, of course, no one really does. I tend to be the type of person whose anxiety comes out in all the what ifs. Before I’ve done anything, I’ve nearly convinced myself not to do it because of all the possible ways it could go wrong. If I make that choice, then what if they laugh at me, or think I’m being ridiculous, or feel like I’ve wasted their time or…

It’s a never ending loop of possibility, and I have to say, it’s a miracle I get anything done. Just know that if I’m doing anything at all, it’s taken me an abnormal amount of energy to move past the paralyzing fear of what if this goes terribly wrong. I’ve always been like this and I’ve mostly come to accept it, though I frequently wonder what it must be like to not question everything that you do.

But now, with who is in the Big White House with the Pillars Out Front™, it’s become a little too much to juggle all the worst case scenarios on a national and global scale, as well as all of the worst case scenarios in my personal life. My dentist tells me that I have cheek trauma from grinding my teeth. I’ve decided something has to give.

On a national level it frankly is what it is, and I cannot control it. Despite my anger that elected officials, minus a select few, seem to have lost their moral compass on the way to lining their pockets and groveling in submission, I cannot control them! Apparently some people in this country think that Republicans actually give a shit about how expensive things are for them. Lol! That’s their prerogative! Heroin chic is back and everyone is trying to lose weight. All I ask is that you leave me out of it! My hold on Normal People at the library is 133 weeks long. I guess it’ll be worth the wait!

I wouldn’t go so far as saying that I will attempt radical acceptance because I know my limits. If there are no haters left in this world, that means I’m long gone. But I will try to keep things in my personal life cute and exciting to the best of my ability and the contents of my bank account. And I didn’t realize I was actively doing this until I sat down to write this.

I’ve been heading to the movies to watch as much as I can, finally checking some Oscar-nominated foreign films off my list (including The Seed of the Sacred Fig which I would highly recommend); I’ve already gone out with my friends once this year with the intention to do it a few more times, as being more social is one of my goals for the year; I’ve planned a Galentine’s Day potluck and movie night for my friends and I am eagerly awaiting their reactions upon watching 27 Dresses for the first time; and I’m reading a good amount more than I maybe ever have, while taking advantage of my local library!

On the micro level, I’m really living it up! I’m branching out a bit by being more social, while also giving my introverted self as much me-time as is required. My bubble is feeling stable, even if the national bubble is close to popping. That’s really all we can do. And something that has been helping me has been putting things into context: we had to get through Hoover to get to FDR. If people could survive the 1960s when our government was assassinating domestic civil rights leaders left and right, then we can survive this. If my people could survive enslavement then we can most definitely survive this.

It’s scary! And it will leave some scars much like Ronald Reagan (*shakes fist at the sky*), but it’ll be over in only 47 months!! The real concern is will people learn their lesson and stop voting for people who are more concerned with their money than civil service. That’s a different question for a different day.